Ted, thank you for sharing this... I sure know what you mean about the "weariness" of worship leading. Sometimes I look into the future and all I can see is an endless succession of Sundays... and Easters and Christmases... all requiring planning and rehearsals and all featuring the voices of those for whom criticism seems to be a spiritual gift...

 Thanks for the reminder that we are privileged to work for and with Jesus in serving His church.

Thanks, Ted, for your honest story here. You touched a nerve with me too, except I had these feelings of "worship weariness" for much longer. I'm currently in my 27th year of leading worship! And about four years ago, the things you describe started happening to me. Of course, I had heard all of the "cacophony of voices" you mention throughout my years of ministry here at Hilmar Covenant, and I'd dealt with other issues and conflicts along the way as well. However, something started to gnaw at me in the autumn of 2003, as we began worshiping in our new Family Center. A host of expectations, from all over the congregation, were rising up with the excitement of the new building, and all of a sudden I felt deflated, tired, and both unable and unwilling to deal with it all, especially as it related to worship. For years, I had wrestled with the many perspectives and theologies of worship (styles, length, purpose, "language" for different demographics of people, creativity, visual vs. verbal--you know what I'm talking about!) and at that point in 2003, I'd had it! I felt a cynicism rising in my spirit, and also a sense of failure. Because for 20 years, my pastor and I had been teaching about worship, modeling worship, writing about worship, preaching about worship, and from what I was seeing and hearing right then from our people, it seemed like it had all been for naught. The requests, comments, and desires that were coming at me showed me that virtually none of what we'd been offering--both educationally and experientially regarding worshp--had mattered one bit to many in our congregation. It was very disheartening, and I sort of gave up; capitulated; went the path of least resistance, resorting most often to formulas, familiarity, and what were to me uninspiring outlines of worship. I got very excited and energized by what I was reading about worship around the U.S. and the world, and by what I participated in at conferences and workshops, but it seemed impossible to bring it back into the worship life of my congregation.

Two things have happened to help me through this rather "dark night of the soul" regarding my role as worship pastor in Hilmar. I was able to take a four month sabbatical and do something totally different from my ministerial position: working in "home repair" for a Christian organization in Israel! And, like you found out, Ted, I realized that through all of this I had been too self-centered, focusing on my ego, my desires and expectations, and on professionalism more than on being a servant to my people here. The way you conclude your story here describes very much what I came to realize about my role, my responsibilities, and my perspective. Last fall, I was able to resume my worship responsibilities feeling refreshed, refocused, and with the right purpose in mind. Also, I assumed some other areas of ministry leadership that I've been very passionate about for a long time, and I found that even though these took time and energy, I actually felt I had more to give to my worship ministry in the long run. God's economy--it always adds up in amazing ways! I never would've thought that taking on missions, prayer, and congregational care ministries would envigorate me and give me more energy and renewed delight for my "worship pastor" work!

I'm really grateful you wrote this article and shared it with all of us, Ted! God bless you and be with you as the fall season unfolds.

Dan, thanks for your response. 27 years! Wow, you should get an award for that! I'm glad that you got to take a sabbatical, hopefully that wasn't your first one in 27 years. That brings up an important question for us as worship leaders: how do personally honor "sabbath" given the nature of the work we're called to do?

Ted, thanks for this entry.

By the way, I was just reminded that I never e-mailed you those photos from February...I'll get right on it.