According to Dr. Jill Murray, 1 in 3 girls will be in a controlling, abusive dating relationship before she graduates from high school from verbal and emotional abuse to sexual abuse or physical battering (But I Love Him, 2003). It’s been shown that in most cases, Teen Dating Violence sets the stage for future partner abuse such as domestic violence. Adolescent girls in dating relationships often confuse jealousy, and possessiveness with flattery. Although this kind of attention appears to be flattering to young girls, it can promote a false sense of assurance and false hopes. Adolescent girls are led to believe that this is love, even though they spend most of the time in the relationship crying or apologizing for their behavior.

Adolescent males are not exempt from Teen Dating Violence. In an article, “Texas Care Male”, it was reported that 1 in 6 boys are abused before age 18. In these cases, the abusers are females. The article further stated that the power differential changes between the young boy and the young girl when the male becomes 14+. In addition, Dr. Jill Murray stated that it is not uncommon for girls to humiliate or embarrass their boyfriends and, she further stated that abusive girls attract abusive boyfriends, (p. 132).In a recent 2003 report, the “National Center for Victims of Crimes “reported the following:

• Over 40 percent of male and female high school students said they had been victims of dating violence at least once
• 50 to 80 percent of teens have reported knowing others who were involved In violent relationships
• 15 percent of teen females and males reported being victims of severe dating violence (defined as being hit, kicked, thrown down or attacked with a weapon) in the past year
• 8 percent of 8th and 9th grade students have reported being victims of sexual dating violence

The FVPF adds to these startling stats, “Youth ages 16-24 are the most at risk of domestic violence of any age group. Crime Victimization surveys report that adolescents and young adults experience the highest degree of intimate violence of any age group. Surveillance data consistently indicate that 16-24 year old women are the most highly victimized group.”

Although teens involved in dating violence have learned to perpetrate or accept this behavior at home, they are capable of learning something different and make better choices. To teach teenagers obedience and honor is not simply “do as I say or do as I do” but to teach them the responsibility of the power of choice. Helping teens to discover the wealth of internal and external resources to assist them to make the best choices they can introduces them to the God that will dwell in the hearts of teenagers and participate in their lives. To teach teens obedience with God is to teach them to honor the Image within them and to seek the reality, the qualities of the Kingdom through the choices they make. Honor has a theological application when teens first learn what it is to honor God and self. Honoring God includes respecting and valuing self as a unique Image bearer. Being responsible for the power and Image within them and making choices that reflect that power and image then gives teens an understanding for what obedience and honor looks like in the parental-child relationship and in dating.

When teens live in obedience with God and honor their self worth they can recognize domestic violence as evil and not “normal”. In a liberating and affirming relationship with God they can develop the courage to refuse to accept and to stand against that which seeks to blind them to the Image within, take away their power to choose and deny them the experience Kingdom realities.

Domestic violence is still the well-kept secret of millions of families including Christian families. Although the Church has been slowly acknowledging and addressing domestic violence from theological, biblical, and practical perspectives, little has been done to address the needs of children exposed to or living with domestic violence.

Because these children do not have access to safe places or services through traditional avenues such as battered women’s shelters or family therapy, new strategies and programs for identifying, intervening, protecting and healing these children must be developed. The church is the perfect place to begin.

“One well-known fact is children who live with domestic violence are more apt to be violent children than those who do not. A less-known fact is that in 30% to 60% of all families where women are being beaten, their children are also the victims of abuse by the same perpetrator. A small but growing body of research also suggests that children who witness domestic violence, but are not physically abused, may suffer social and mental health problems as a result.”

Too many children do not have access to or can’t make their way into the healing that is available in Christ through the Church. The Church can take the lead in developing cooperative community responses to children exposed to domestic violence in our congregations and in our broader community.

Jesus knew and understood the social and cultural oppression children are often born into. I understand Jesus' words to the disciples in Matthew 18:3-4 to mean when you take a good look at a child you can see what its like to be a part of God’s Kingdom. This part of human life called children is special to God, so special that Jesus said “Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.” Just in case something was lost in His statement, Jesus made His love for children plain when He continued His statement with, “If any of you put a stumbling block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would better for you if a great millstone were fastened around your neck and you were drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 18:5-6

In saying “Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me” Jesus speaks of hospitality. To welcome is to allow even invite one to receive hospitality. Within the Jewish custom hospitality would have broad strokes of caring beyond mere shelter. Hospitality would include provisions for the body and soul and protection from those who would cause harm as Lot provided for the messengers in the story of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Children depend on their parents and guardians to provide and protect them. When protection and provision is not available in the home children should be able to find it in the people and the house of God, where hospitality is in abundance. Another characteristic that the church is noted for and children should have access to is justice. Marie Fortune wrote, “when harm is done by one person to another the church ought to be about justice making”. Children have rights too. The church is called to provide support for the safety and welfare of children. We are called because one, our mission is to continue the liberating ministry of Jesus; two, Jesus calls us to invite, and receive children into a community of love and safety; and three, we are called to stand and work for justice.